This past weekend, for the first time, I did a guest interview for a podcast.
The interview was with my dear friend, Dana, of Self Help Witch. Her podcast (of the same name) is my very favorite.
It was such an honor to be invited to chat with her, and while I was wildly nervous to do it, I decided to take the leap and say yes (even though I questioned that choice a lot before we actually did it).
It was a delightful chat!...and then afterward, I immediately spiraled.
My brain swirled with worry. With absolute, utter panic.
Did I say that part wrong?
Why didn't I include that piece?
What if I'm perceived inaccurately?
I can't believe I messed this up so badly!
I truly lost my shit.
Luckily, Dana's graciousness was able to bring me back down into my body a bit. I shared with her a bit about what was going on for me, and she responded with such compassion (unsurprisingly, because that's who she is).
And although my body is still reeling a bit from it all, I was able to use this experience as a chance to look at some of the parts of me I don't always like to look at.
I crave perfection and control.
I love to edit myself to death before I present myself to the world in almost any capacity.
I constantly feel like anything I say must encompass every part of me and what I believe (which, I think, social media is partly to blame here—there's so much pressure now to be able to discuss incredibly nuanced things in 30 second soundbites!).
It's a part of why I feel more comfortable with writing (even though I've had plenty of times where I've sent out newsletters to you and then questioned parts of what I've said, desperately wishing I could retrieve the letter and revise it).
And even though I talk for a living, using my literal voice can often still feel really scary, and being seen can make me feel much more vulnerable than I'd like to admit.
Doing this podcast interview confronted so much of my comfort zone. And it shone a huge spotlight on some of my shadows.
It challenged me to ask tough questions, like:
What will happen because you haven't done the interview perfectly?
How does it feel in your body to accept "good enough" rather than an impossible-to-achieve perfection?
How might it feel to release some of the control you so tightly cling to?
What makes others' perceptions of you sometimes feel more important than how you view yourself?
I share this with you because I want you to know that we're all working on things, all the time.
There's no "end" or sense of finality with healing and with growth.
And sometimes things will happen that trigger some really tender parts of you, and it might feel like you've gone backward.
You haven't.
You're still moving through your incredible story, with all its twists and turns, experiencing lots of different things that will sometimes shine a light on the areas that have grown some cobwebs.
These are opportunities to hold those parts with love, compassion, tenderness.
To be curious and to be non-judgmental.
To honor the stories these parts share, the pieces of your history they express, the lessons they teach.
And maybe it's because I have my sun in Leo in the 12th house, but I'm a big believer in the power of boldly and bravely acknowledging the shadows.
These can be some of our biggest and most pivotal growth moments.
These parts have a purpose. Sometimes they want to protect us, sometimes they show us our deepest held values or what's most important to us.
Whatever it might be, they're part of us for a reason.
For me, this experience has been a tough practice of confronting regret and of letting go. Of recognizing that I need to be able to release and offer myself love when the parts I don't spend as much time getting to know insist on being known.
These growth edges can be uncomfortable, absolutely. And also, they can be beautiful, in their own shadowy, magical way.