Every holiday season, there is no end to the messages we receive that remind us that this is (supposed to be) the happiest time of year. And why not? The twinkling lights, the social gatherings, the gifts, the merriment…for a lot of people, this is the best time of year. It can offer a moment to embrace loved ones, compassion, and brightness, and it marks the end of a year that allows one to reflect and move forward.
But maybe you feel differently. You might wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I feel the joy that everyone else seems to have right now?” But you’re not alone. For many, the holidays are tough, and so these merry messages can be isolating. There is an infinite number of reasons why this time of year might be challenging for you. Perhaps it’s socially-related—loss of a loved one, being away from family, or having a painful relationship (or no relationship) with someone. Maybe it’s related to mental health—if you deal with these challenges throughout the year, a time of year that seemingly is joyous for those around you can make your symptoms even more difficult to manage. Or maybe you don’t partake in the holidays, and you feel unseen and forgotten as everyone else makes assumptions about how you may or may not celebrate.
Or, perhaps, the holidays have simply become synonymous with stress, and it is just too much pressure to feel a prescribed way each December. The gift list keeps growing, the money keeps vanishing, the schedule keeps filling, and it no longer feels like there is any time that can be allotted for joy and peace.
If you can relate to any of this, you are not alone. And, I believe, there are still things you can do for yourself during this time of year to soothe your heart. Even if it doesn’t look like how everyone else is doing it, it’s still important to engage your self-care tools—especially at a time when life might feel extra difficult!
First, it is a choice to engage in the holiday stress. Absolutely none of the seemingly required things are actually necessary. Can’t bake cookies this year? Fine. Can’t attend that party? No problem. Can’t get as many (or any) gifts this year? That’s ok! Can’t get your home to look spotless? No one will notice as much as you think they will. While it may be challenging at first to choose to say “no” to some things, and “yes” to others, it really is just great self-care to empower yourself to make your own boundaries.
You do not have to feel happy during this time of year. Release that pressure. If you feel happy for some of the time, embrace it! Name it! Enjoy it! If it doesn’t stick around, that’s ok. Engage your self-care toolbox and know that it’s human nature for our emotions to ebb and flow, no matter what time of year.
If you feel low during the entirety of the season (or the year), seek out a therapist who can support you. Keep sessions going throughout the year, and if the holidays are especially difficult, make sure you have appointments scheduled leading up to that tricky season so you can be prepared.
You get to choose what kind and amount of socializing is best for you. For some, that means saying “yes” to every invite, because maybe that helps with the loneliness. For others, it might include a few intimate gatherings and plenty of alone time to rejuvenate. Or it might be just you and your closest person spending time together. Whatever it looks like for you, trust your instincts that you know better than anyone how to care for yourself—and release any residual guilt that comes with saying “no”!
Those same boundaries go for family, too. Family can be life-giving for some, but toxic to others. You are allowed to make your own choices regarding what you need from family (and what you feel able to give to them).
If you’re dealing with a loss, find a way to honor that loss. Write a letter, listen to a song, meditate and acknowledge the feelings of grief. Recognize your strength in handling that loss. Find a community of others who understand the mourning process. Seek a therapist for extra support.
Sometimes the loss isn’t about people, but about things. A lack of financial stability, food, housing, healthcare, support—this lacking can feel especially prominent during a time of year when it feels like others have everything you do not. But this time of year does not have to be about the plentiful, but about the sufficient. And if sufficiency can’t be achieved, seek community resources—social services, food pantries, religious buildings with community outreach. Know that you are not alone.
And if you don’t participate in the holidays, or you celebrate differently than others, maybe your method of self-care is to simply ignore the festivities around you. Maybe you can take a vacation or take time to reflect on the importance of your own values. Finding community can be helpful as well—having like-minded people in your corner is a sure way to feel less isolated and more seen.
For me, I tend to be a mix of merriment and blues during this time of year. Some of my mixed emotions come from loving the holiday season so much that I preemptively panic about it being over before it’s even begun! I’ve been working on paying closer attention to this—this noticing of our feelings is such a vital part of self-care and working through things. I try to take a very simplistic approach to reacting to this holiday-related anxiety. Here are some of my favorite things to do:
Light candles. Especially pine-scented ones. Embrace the light. Use it as a quiet moment of peace.
Really take in all the holiday lights. Long ago, during a depressed period, I remember telling my therapist at the time that I felt silly for how happy the holiday lights make me. She bluntly (and very helpfully) asked “Why is it silly?” She reminded me that whatever it is that brings us a moment of joy, however small, is something to be graciously accepted and appreciated. It is never silly for the simple things to allow us a bit of relief from strife.
Bake all the cookies. Every nostalgic cookie.
Find time to sit, breathe, and listen to holiday music. The to-do list will be there later. Quiet time to rest the chattering mind is vital.
Name my preemptive post-holiday panic. Acknowledge it. Recognize its meaning. It is reminding me to slow down, experience what is around me, and to remember that what makes this time of year special for me is its impermanence. If it were here all year, it wouldn’t mean much.
Whatever your experience is with this season, the advice is the same: intentional self-care is vital. It is how this time of year doesn’t swallow you up and spit you out into January, and it’s how you can ultimately be more present for others as well.
Be kind to yourselves, one and all.
* If you are struggling—or even if you just need added support for your self-care routine—please reach out to a therapist. You do not have to go it alone. *